


She Left

by BlamScilesShipper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:47:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8404000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlamScilesShipper/pseuds/BlamScilesShipper
Summary: Dean and Cas deal with Mary leaving. Spoilers for 12x03. This is a really fluffy fic, more than I had first expected. But it's all good, fluffy Destiel gives me happy feels. I hope ya'll will feel inclined to leave a review! After chapter two, this fic gets a lot dark, there is a suicide attempt in chapter three. Just know that going in.





	1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. This came about after 12x03. I wanted to explore Dean’s reaction to Mary leaving. What happened was a fluffy Destiel fic. I mean, really fluffy. It’s canon compliant, although you should know after 12x01 Dean and Cas slept together. Other than that, you should be good to go. Spoilers for 12x03 though.** _

 

She Left  
By Julia 

 

Dean watched his mother walk out, and he didn’t know what to do. First instinct was to call Cas. He pulled out his phone, and hit speed dial three, which was Cas’ number. He waited while it rang, he needed to tell him about this, get some perspective. Dean could already feel his green eyes filling with tears. Dean shook off Sam’s arm, and walked off to his room. It’s not like he didn’t want to talk about t with Sam, but he needed Castiel right now. His heart was pounding out of his chest, and he was already starting to get shaky. 

 

Their mom had been gone for 33 years, and now she was back. And she didn’t want to be with them. Dean couldn’t explain how much that hurt in words, there weren’t any words that were strong enough. He was already crying when Castiel picked up, and said hello Dean in that sexy voice that he needed to hear. Dean was quiet as he gathered the words that he needed to say. “Cas, I need you. Where are you? Can you be here at the bunker?” He asked, rubbing his eyes with his free hand, they were already dripping tears. 

 

When Cas heard Dean’s voice, he knew something was wrong. “What’s happened, Dean? Is it Sam? Are you okay?” Castiel asked, his tone immediately worried. He and Dean hadn’t spoken much since the other night when it was passionate I thought you were dead sex, but it was obvious that something had changed between them. Cas didn’t want to make Dean talk about it just yet, mostly because he wasn’t sure if it would stop whatever was going on if that was the case. He had wanted this for so long, and he was certain that Dean had wanted it too, if the way he kissed him was any indication. 

 

“I’m not far, I can be there if you need me.” Cas said, he really could tell that Dean was upset, and if he was turning to Cas that was a really good sign. Castiel wanted to be there for Dean however he could, and if it was something serious they would get through it together. 

 

Dean was still struggling with words, and he was wishing that he could just get in Baby and go to Cas, but there was no way he should be driving right now. He reached to grab a bottle of Jack he kept in his closet, and took a long swig. “Mom….. Cas, she’s…. She left.” He wasn’t sure that he could go into the whole thing right then without breaking down completely. “Please…. I need you, Cas. Just you.” His tone was pleading, and he was sure that there was yearning in his tone too. He didn’t know what to say about what had happened the other night, but he was okay with the changes that had happened. 

 

The sex had been extremely hot, and he knew that part of it had been because Castiel had thought he was dead. Dean honestly didn’t care why, it had happened and that was the important thing. He wouldn’t take it back. He had wanted it for so many years now, and he wasn’t going to take it back, pretend that it hadn’t happened. Dean had been dealing with the realization that he loved Cas for a long time now, and he had had time to accept that he was bisexual. 

 

When Cas heard that, he felt horrible for Dean and for Sam. They had had to spend 33 years without her, and now she was back and wasn’t with them? Castiel was sure she had her reasons, but that didn’t make it easy for her boys. “I will be there as soon as I can, I’m getting in the car now, Dean.” Cas said, they hadn’t exactly worked out if they were using terms of endearment, the other night there hadn’t been much talking, lots of grunts and moans. The sex had been quick and a bit rough. Cas had just been so grateful that Dean was alive. They hadn’t expected that, and the kiss that had initiated it all had been explosive. 

 

“We will make it through this together, Dean. I…” Castiel stopped. He had been about to say that he loved Dean, but he wasn’t sure that that was the right thing to say. It was true, but as they hadn’t spoken yet about what the other night meant, he didn’t want to complicate things. Especially not right now. He had said it to Dean before, but now it was different. And they both knew it. 

 

Somehow, Dean knew what he’d been about to say. “I know what you were going to say, and I love you, too, Cas. I’m in love with you too.” Dean said, wanting it to be crystal clear. He was taking another long swig out of the Jack bottle, and was ignoring Sam’s knocks on his door. He would tell Sam when he got off the phone to leave him alone for now. It was just Castiel that he wanted to lean on. 

 

“I know that you were scared to say it, but now I’ve said it and it’s out in the open, on the table.” Dean said, his voice still shaking with tears. “Drive careful, please, I can’t lose you too, not again, I just can’t.” Dean told him, his tone no nonsense. It wasn’t an order, Dean wasn’t a possessive boyfriend, but it told Cas he wasn’t joking. 

 

“I love you then, Dean.” Cas said, tears filling his own eyes with happiness. He hadn’t expected that at all, especially so soon after the other night. “I promise you I will make it home to you, Dean. Okay? You don’t have to worry about losing me.” Cas told him. He was still learning the human things, but he was doing better at it. Cas wished he could do more for Dean right now, but he couldn’t. It was going to have to wait till he saw him. 

 

“I have to drive now, so I’ll go, but I will be there in a couple of hours, Dean. I promise. I will be with you soon.” He said, and listened to Dean’s crying breaths. “I know that it doesn’t help, but try and calm down as best you can before I get there, okay? Just keep telling yourself that it will be okay, and I love you.” 

 

When Cas said that, Dean could actually start to feel himself calming down a little. He repeated that he loved Cas, and then they hung up. He took a breath, wiped his eyes, and went to the door, opening it. “Sam, I can’t…. I know that you need to talk too, but I can’t do this with you.” Dean always had to be the strong one for Sam, and he just couldn’t do it right now. He needed Cas, he didn’t have to be strong for Cas. He could just let it all out and let Cas hold him. He knew it wasn’t necessarily right, but it was just the way it had to be for now. His whole life he’d taken care of Sam, and he wasn’t going to stop now. 

 

Sam hated that Dean had been crying. He didn’t say so out loud, but he knew that Dean and Cas had slept together. Sam also didn’t expect that Dean would talk with him about this now. Sam knew that Dean was still trying to be the strong one, it was just how he was. Sam knew that he’d talk about it eventually, he just had to give him space. 

 

“Dean, I can’t force you to be ready. I know that. I’m not even going to ask you why you’re going to talk to Cas and not me. What I am going to tell you is I know that you and Cas slept together. If you’re going to be with him now, it’s okay with me. You don’t have to hide it from me. I know that you need him to help you through this, so just let me know when you need me. When you’re ready to talk to me.” Sam didn’t have anyone he could talk to besides Dean and Cas, but he didn’t want to talk about it just now. He wanted to be alone. 

 

Dean nodded, and they shared a knowing look before Dean shut his door. He wasn’t surprised that Sam had brought up him and Cas, and he was glad to know that Sam was okay with it. He got back on the bed, curling into a ball. Sam didn’t have many memories of his mother, he’d been a baby when Mary had died. Dean had been four. He remembered her. This was almost more devastating than her dying. She was alive out there and had chosen to be away from them. 

 

It was late when Castiel got home, and he went straight for Dean’s room. He had picked up pie, and several cheeseburgers and fries from McDonalds. He knew Dean. He knocked once and then opened the door. Dean was asleep. Castiel set the bags down on his desk, and touched Dean’s arm softly, shaking him. “Dean, it’s me. I’m home.” Cas said, his voice soft. Dean’s eyes opened immediately, and they filled with tears as they took in the sight of the angel. 

 

Cas immediately took Dean in his arms, and Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck, holding onto him tightly. Cas rubbed Dean’s back. “I brought cheeseburgers and pie.” He told him, waiting for Dean to make the first move to talk about Mary. He hoped that Dean would eat, he was sure that the other man had been drinking, and it would put something in his stomach if he was going to drink more. 

 

A rush of love for Cas swelled in Dean, Cas knew him well. Dean took another sniff of Cas and then pulled back. “Thanks.” He managed to say, his stomach rumbling at the smell of the burgers, which he could smell now that his face wasn’t pressed into his boyfriend’s neck. He got up, a bit reluctantly, and grabbed the bags from McDonalds. He pulled out a few of the burgers and some fries. 

 

Taking a bite, he scooted as close to Cas on the bed as he could. He chewed for a moment, and then turned to Cas. “I….. I’m so glad that you’re here.” He said, not sure where to start with his feelings about Mary being gone. It’s not as if it was going to be easy to talk about. Dean finished chewing and leaned out, kissing him, softly. It was tender, and not passionate, but it expressed all the love that Dean had for Cas. “I love you so much.” Dean said, his voice in a whisper. Maybe it would be easier to talk about their relationship, Dean wasn’t scared of it. He might have been a few years ago, but life was too short, and he and Cas loved each other. There was no point in being apart. Not when they could be together. 

 

Cas sensed the change in the room, and he said, “I love you too, Dean. We haven’t spoken yet about what the other night meant. If that’s easier for you right now, we can talk about that.” He said, getting out his own burger and unwrapping it. He didn’t often eat burgers, but he liked to when he was with Dean. It was like they were sharing something together. Something that was important to Dean. Cas loved sharing in things that Dean liked. 

 

“I want to be with you, Dean. I’ve never really had a relationship, it wasn’t something that I ever considered a priority. Not until I met you.” Cas said, watching Dean eat, glad that he had made that happen. He felt like he was making a difference in Dean’s life, and it felt really good. “I want to be in your life, more than I am now. I want to be your partner, boyfriend, whatever you want to call it.” He said. 

 

That filled Dean with happiness. It felt wrong being so happy with Mary being gone, but he was glad that he had Castiel. He really was. There was no way that he could get through this without him. They had already been through so much together. There wasn’t any kind of safety in this work, and they had had to deal too many times with the thought of losing the other one. Dean brushed his hand over Cas’, and took it in his. He stroked the back of his hand with his thumb.

 

“I want to be with you, too, Cas. Life is too short…. As we both know well.” Dean said. He kept his hand in Cas’, and stroked it softly. He looked down at their entwined hands before he cast his glance back up at the angel. He would never have believed that things could work out with them. He had thought that there was no way that Cas would ever feel the same way for him. Then they had slept together. Dean knew that Cas loved him back, there was no way that he could fake that kind of passion. Dean honestly wasn’t at all scared by the notion of marriage, either, which he wasn’t sure that he should bring up but he felt that he could marry Cas, maybe even have kids with him. Dean loved kids, funnily enough. 

 

“I’m afraid to tell you how much I really love you, how much I’m ready for.” Dean said, finishing his burger, his fingers squeezing Cas’. 

 

Cas looked down at their hands, too, and set aside his empty wrapper and sat even closer to Dean, looking into Dean’s green eyes. “You should never be afraid to tell me anything, Dean. You should be able to tell me anything. We have been through too much together. You can tell me anything, I’m not going to leave you or freak out, as you would say.” Cas couldn’t help himself, he kissed him again, those green eyes were his Achilles’ heel. 

 

When Cas kissed him, Dean kissed back, not able to help himself. He set aside the bag of burgers, and pressed close to Cas, taking the other man in his arms. He didn’t know if this was the best idea, but ill advised sex was his favorite way to deal with things. He whispered against Cas’ lips. “I know that it’s crazy, and it’s way too soon, but I am ready to marry you. If you aren’t, I understand that. But life is too damn short, Cas. I don’t want to die again without having made some sort of commitment to you. I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Everyone’s always joking about how close we are, but it’s not really a joke. I think they’ve been seeing for years what we were too scared to see. I’m not too scared to see it anymore. I love you. I want to be with you forever, if we have forever. I know how problematic this life is. I know that. But if we have the chance, I want us to take it.” Dean said. He reached into his bedside table drawer, and held out a ring to Cas. It was a silver ring that he had worn off and on his whole life. 

 

He held the ring out to Cas. “If you’ll have me, Cas, I want to marry you.” He looked into those blue eyes, which seemed surprised, but Cas wasn’t running in fear or shaking his head no or anything like that. That was a good sign, right? 

 

Cas looked into those green eyes. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if them getting married was a good idea, but he wanted to. They could work something out with papers, Castiel was still in Jimmy Novak’s vessel. He could easily marry Dean as Jimmy Novak. Especially since Claire’s mother had passed on. Cas should be freaked out by the idea, but he wasn’t. Cas offered Dean his left hand, and Dean slid the ring onto his ring finger. 

 

He stared at it, looking at the pattern, it was interwoven leaves. Dean loved it, it had been given to him by John. Cas knew how important it was. He stared at it, loving the feel of it on his finger. He didn’t know if they were crazy or not, but he was sure that they would be happy. Cas looked into Dean’s green eyes, taking Dean’s hand again, loving feeling Dean’s ring on his finger. “I love you too, Dean, in all of my life, I’ve never met someone that I care about as much as I care about you.” He didn’t know what else to say. He loved Dean so much it had used to scare him. His love for Dean was enormous. 

 

“So you’re saying that you’ll marry me?” Dean asked, as he looked at his ring on Cas’ finger. He liked seeing it on his finger. He was taken back when Cas nodded, and Dean kissed him then, pushing him back on the bed. He straddled him, it was going to be hotter than the first time. He unbuttoned Cas;’ shirt, taking it off, his hands running over Cas’ chest, loving the feel of it under his fingers. 

 

Dean took off his own clothes, they got undressed hurriedly. It may be the wrong time, but Dean was going to fucking go for it. He parted Cas’ legs, and took the other man’s cock in his hand, stroking it with his long fingers. He just needed to lose himself in Cas, he loved that he was here for him. Dean rocked his hips, feeling a shock of desire from his stomach that led all the way to his cock. He stroked him, and then cupped his balls, Cas gasping against his lips. 

 

Cas shivered as he touched Dean, his hips rising up to meet the other man’s. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, they were moving quickly together, Dean lubing up his fingers and teasing Cas with them, running his index finger around Cas’ hole before sliding it inside him. Cas gripped Dean’s hips, rocking his hardening cock against Dean’s. They both gasped against the other’s lips, as Dean finger fucked him. Cas loved the feeling of knowing that Dean was his fiance. He should be concerned that they were rushing into this, but they had known each other for years. The things they had gone through together most people hadn’t. It made you closer than most people got. Castiel scratched Dean’s back as his fingers crooked inside Cas, and Cas whispered in Dean’s ear. 

 

“I’m ready for you to be inside.” Cas told him, gripping Dean’s waist tightly. He moved with Dean as Dean lubed up his long, hard cock, and eased into him. Cas gripped Dean’s ass, pushing him in further. He loved the feel of Dean inside him. Cas let Dean take the lead, kissing him as Dean fucked him, hard. Cas loved the feel of it, he was surprised the first time they had sex that he liked it rough. He wondered if Dean had done it any way but rough. Cas had never asked. He clenched around Dean, scratching at Dean’s back.

 

Dean shivered as Cas’ hands moved over his back, his hand moving to Cas’ dick, and he stroked, he loved having Cas’ cock in his hand. He stroked as he moved his hips, he was going to come soon, he just wanted Cas that much. He couldn’t believe that they were having sex as an engaged couple. Dean had never thought that he’d be normal enough to fall in love with someone that wanted him back. His lips moved over Cas’ earlobe, he nibbled on it lightly. He was spurred on by Cas’ fingers digging into his back, it felt so good knowing that Cas wanted him as much as he wanted Cas. 

 

He came then, whispering Cas’ name in his ear. “Oh fuck, Cas.” Dean gasped out, laying his head on Cas’ chest. He was surprised when Cas came too, slicking them both up with come. Dean didn’t move to get out of him, though, he just wanted to lay here, feeling his cock inside the man he loved. The afterglow of sex was fading though, and his pain over Mary being gone was coming back. Tears brushed his eyes. 

 

Cas held Dean closer, glad that Dean was still inside him. He pressed a kiss to Dean’s forehead. “I am glad that I could be here for you, Dean.” He said, feeling both of their stomachs sticky with come. Cas stroked Dean’s back. “I think we should have Sam get ordained and marry us, and I would love it if Claire was there.” Castiel had caused enough trouble for Jimmy’s daughter, but she had started to calm down, and he was sure that she would want to be there for their wedding. 

 

“Do you want to talk about Mary now?” Castiel asked, he tilted and saw Dean’s green eyes filling with tears. Cas knew that it had to be hard, but he didn’t want to assume that Dean wanted to talk. He wanted to let Dean set the pace for that. Cas wanted to talk about the wedding, but he didn’t think that was as important as Dean’s feelings about Mary. 

 

Dean shook his head. “I just want to lay here and be with you.” He was sure that he was going to need to talk about it eventually, but right now it was fine. He wanted to be with Cas, just bask in the idea that he could be with him now. Dean was almost glad that he had had to fight off Amara, because it had led to him and Cas getting together. That was the way that Dean wanted it. Dean knew they would never be a normal couple, but maybe that was okay. They would figure out how they worked best. Dean leaned up to look Cas in the eye. 

 

“Whatever you want for the wedding, Cas. I know that Sam would be glad to marry us, he told me that he knows about us and he’s okay with it.” Dean had a suspicion that Mary knew too, it’s not as if he and Cas had greeted each other lacklusterly. They had been glad to see each other. Especially Cas, since he’d thought Dean was dead. Dean could look into Cas’ eyes forever. They were so blue, and it reminded Dean of the sky. He kissed Castiel again, softly and tenderly. Like he would be doing it every morning for the rest of his life, and it looked like that would be the case. Dean broke the kiss when he needed to breathe. 

 

“You’re family, Cas, and you always will be.” 

 

_**Author’s note: So….. I didn’t expect that this was going to be so fluffy. But I’m glad it was, fluffy Destiel gives me happy feels. I can’t believe that Mary left! After all the years that she’s been gone, you think she’d want to get to spend some time with both of them. Anyway, I hope ya’ll liked, and leave a review if you are so inclined!** _


	2. Open Wound

Chapter Two: Open Wound

 

The next morning came early. Dean woke with a pounding headache, and in Cas’ arms. Cas didn’t have to sleep, so he’d held Dean all night while Dean slept. Dean’s eyes took in Cas, and he was reminded again that his mother had left. He couldn’t keep the tears from welling up. “Cas….. she’s still gone.” Dean didn’t know where to start with how he felt. He fisted the covers, trying to keep himself calm. “She could be with us, and she’s choosing to be away from us.” Dean wished he could be more eloquent in what he wanted to say on that regard. He buried his head in Cas’ neck, glad that he could do that now. Dean didn’t know how he was going to make it through this without Cas. 

 

“I wasn’t enough for her.” Dean said, his voice wobbling as he said it. Dean couldn’t believe that Mary had left. She had talked about being in heaven, and she missed John, and that she missed Sam and Dean as they were in heaven. She didn’t seem to want to get to know Dean and Sam as they were now. That hurt Dean more than he could say. “She…. she didn’t want me, Cas. She is walking away from me and Sam because we aren’t her Dean and Sam.” He sounded hurt that she had chosen to walk away. 

 

Dean lifted his head to look at Cas. “She…. she walked out of my life.” Dean said, his eyes full of tears. He was crying, big sobbing breaths that were rocking his whole body. He had never been like this with Cas before, and it felt amazing. He was glad that he could just let himself be with Cas, no fear. He looked into Cas’ eyes. 

 

“What am I gonna do, Cas?” 

 

Cas hated the sound of hurt and pain in Dean’s voice. He sounded as if he was in agony. Cas hated that Dean felt like it was him that had made his mother leave. It wasn’t good for Dean to think that he hadn’t been enough for his mother. Cas touched Dean’s face, cupping his jaw. “Dean, you are good enough. Your mother… I am sure she had her reasons, but you not being enough isn’t one of them. You love your mother. Dean, you are good. You try to help people, you risk your life daily to help people. You’ve literally died for people to be safe.” 

 

He hated that Dean saw himself that way, that he wasn’t good enough. Cas kissed Dean, softly and tenderly. Showing him all the love that he had in him for Dean. He looked into Dean’s green eyes. “You are good, Dean.” Castiel didn’t know what he was going to say to get Dean to believe that. He knew that the other man didn’t believe and he didn’t know how to get him to see. 

 

“I know that I can’t force you to believe that, but you are the best person that I know.” 

 

When Cas told him that, when he had so much faith in Dean, it made him love Cas that much more. Dean ran his hand through Cas’ hair, running his fingers through Cas’ black locks. It was gorgeous hair. Dean wished that he could believe that he was good, like Cas said. Dean had done a lot of questionable things. He couldn’t count them on one hand, they were too many to list. 

 

“She saw I was a bad person, Cas, and she left.” Dean said, barely able to get the words out. He buried his head in Cas’ neck. Dean was so messed up right now. He could barely keep it together. He didn’t know what he was going to do without his mother. He was going to die a little every day knowing that she was out there living her life, away from him. And it was what she had chosen. Dean was getting short of breath just thinking about it. 

 

His heart started to pound, and Dean could feel the panic attack coming on. He didn’t know how to stop it. Cas wrapped both of his arms around Dean, and held him as Dean started to panic. He wasn’t going to know if anything happened to her. She was most likely going to be safe, because everyone thought she was dead. She couldn’t go out and be Mary Winchester. She was going to have to come up with a fake name. 

 

“Cas, I can’t calm down.” 

 

When Dean told him that, sounding more broken than Cas had ever heard him, he pressed kisses all along Dean’s face. “Dean, I’m right here. I’m going to be here for as long as you’ll have me. It’s okay. I love you, and this is not your fault. You are a good person, and you can’t say that you weren’t enough for your mother. It was her choice to leave. She chose to leave you because of things that you can’t control.” 

 

He wasn’t sure of what Mary’s reasons were, but he had to imagine that she must have been in heaven, and so her Dean and Sam had been baby Sam and four year old Dean. Castiel didn’t know what that must have been like for her, to have to adjust to her sons being men, and John being dead in this world. Cas knew what it was like to be cast out of heaven and want to go back. He could understand that part of it. He could understand feeling like you didn’t belong. He didn’t want to say that to Dean, though, he didn’t want to upset him. 

 

“I love you, Dean, more than anything in this world.” Cas whispered in his ear, stroking Dean’s back in a soothing gesture. He wanted Dean to know that he was safe, and he could let go with Cas. Castiel wished that he could make Dean believe that he was a good man. That his mother leaving, that was on her, not him. “I’m right here, Dean, you can fall.” 

 

When Cas told him that he was there for him, Dean let go, sobbing on Cas’ shoulder. His grip on the angel tightened, holding onto him like a life preserver, as if he was drowning. Dean didn’t know if he was going to be able to handle knowing that his mother was choosing to live her life without her children. Dean had felt a lot of pain in his life, but nothing felt like this. Losing Cas had almost felt this bad, Dean had known that Cas was family for a long time now. Something about the angel had stuck with Dean ever since he’d first met him. He just wasn’t sure what it was. Dean had dreamed about the other man’s eyes for years. Since they first met. 

 

He was working on getting his breathing back, he couldn’t feel Cas’ heartbeat against his. He wanted to feel that, feel that closeness. He pressed as close to Cas as he could, glad they were both still shirtless. Dean pressed his flesh to Castiel, and he finally started to calm when he felt Cas’ heart beating against his. He whispered in Cas’ ear. “I love you, Castiel. I can’t get through this without you.” He wished that there were more words that were better than ‘I love you’. He didn’t think they were enough, to cover what he felt for Cas. Was this what Mary had felt about John? Was this why John had gone so crazy to get what killed her? Dean could understand being so crazy for Cas that he would go to the ends of the Earth to avenge him if something happened. 

 

He was finally starting to calm down, feeling Cas’ heart beating against his. He took deep sniffs of Cas’ neck, trying to remind himself that Cas was here. “I understand my dad, Cas, why he went so crazy to get my mom back. If anything ever happened to you, I would stop at nothing to make sure that you were okay.” Dean pulled back to look into Cas’ eyes. “I won’t ever be without you again.” Dean told him, and he meant it more than he had ever meant anything in his life. He would go to the ends of the earth, spend his last breath, to save Cas from death, let alone avenge him. He didn’t ever want to know how far he’d go to save Castiel. 

 

That meant so much to Cas, that Dean compared them to John and Mary. They may have been tragic, but they loved each other above all else. John had never gotten over Mary, he had spent the rest of his life trying to avenge her death. He had died for Dean to finally get a break, so he didn’t have to fight anymore. Castiel could get that, although he would never give up on finding out what happened to Dean if he were to die. 

 

Before he could say anything, Sam poked his head in the room. Cas looked up at him, his arms still around Dean. He gave Sam a soft smile. It was brief, though. He knew Sam might not be up to smiling. He looked at Sam. “Is there something you would wish to say, Sam?” He asked. He had never been able to call Sam anything but Sam, he knew that Dean called him Sammy. Cas wasn’t that informal. He hoped that Dean was okay with Sam seeing him this way. He knew how hard he tried to protect Sam. 

 

Sam wasn’t surprised to see Cas still in bed with Dean, and holding him close. Sam knew that Dean would let go with Castiel, where he wouldn’t with Sam. Sam had been trying to get Dean to treat him like an adult for years now. He knew that Dean wasn’t going to see it that way. Sam didn’t know what he was going to do to get Dean to see him differently. 

 

“Actually, can I talk to you guys for a second?” Sam asked, there wasn’t anyone that he had to talk about it with. He let out a sigh. He wasn’t sure that this was the best time to interrupt what was going on, but he had to get his feelings off his chest, too. He stepped into the room, and leaned against the door. He didn’t know what he was going to start with. He looked into Dean’s green eyes, which were so wet. Dean looked so broken. Sam didn’t know how to change that. He was angry at their mother. Especially since Sam knew that Dean was blaming himself for Mary leaving. 

 

“Dean, don’t do this. Don’t blame yourself for Mom leaving. Okay? You were enough. You are amazing, this was Mom’s choice.” Sam’s tone was firm. 

 

Without hesitation, Dean said, “I told her how happy I was that she was back, Sam! I let her in, I let myself believe that this was going to work out for us. I thought that Mom would be here.” Dean could barely breathe, he was so disappointed that Mary had left. He was still clinging to Cas, glad that the blankets covered that they were still naked. He hated for Sam to see him this way, this broken. He always wanted to be the strong one for Sam. It was how he had been raising Sam his whole life. Dean had had to grow up fast, much faster than other kids had had to. But he couldn’t blame John anymore, he got why John had been the way that he was. 

 

“Sam, I’m going to be dead, knowing that she’s out there every day, and I won’t be able to keep her safe.” Dean said. He saw that Mary could take care of herself, but she had died once before. There was no telling that she wouldn’t die again. No one would be there to take care of her. “She left us, Sam. She could be here with us, but she is choosing to be away from us.” Dean said. There were no words for how much that hurt. He knew that Sam had to be feeling the same way. 

 

“See, Dean, I’m more angry than I am upset that she’s gone. I hate that she’s done this to you. Do you know what you just did? You were going to sacrifice yourself, take yourself away from me, from Cas. We’re your family, Dean. The only family that you have left. You were going to kill yourself with Amara to take her down. Knowing that there was no way that you’d come back.” Sam couldn’t stress that enough to Dean. They had done everything that they could, but Dean had been prepared to make that sacrifice. Sam thought that was incredibly selfless. 

 

“Don’t let her make you feel that you aren’t good enough.” Sam said, he wished that he could make Dean see how good that was. How much that made him a good person. He couldn’t get Dean to believe that he was worth it. That he was a brilliant human being. He didn’t have to have gone to college, to be brilliant. No one had saved the earth as many times as Dean had. No, he hadn’t always been perfect, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t done his best. 

 

“I missed her so much too, but I know that we’re better off without her if she doesn’t want to be with us.” Sam hated to be the one to say those words, but he was glad that it had been him. He knew that Dean would never have said it. Sam didn’t know her the way that Dean did. He knew that Dean had had four years with her that he hadn’t had, “I know that you don’t want me to say that. I know it. But it’s true.” Sam said, brushing his hand through his wet hair. 

 

Dean could not believe that Sam had said that. “She’s our mom, Sammy. She should be with us. Don’t you think she should be trying to get to know us? We’re family.” Dean said, he couldn’t imagine wanting to be away from Sam or Cas. Mary had chosen to leave them. Because Dean wasn’t good enough. “Sam, you need to leave now. I don’t need to hear you talking about Mom like that.” Dean said, and wrapping the sheet around him, stood, and went to the door, standing by it, ready to close it. 

 

He kept his gaze away from Sam, and stood there till Sam had walked out. He closed the door, turning to look at Cas. He wondered if Castiel felt the same way. He looked at Cas. “You don’t feel the same way as him, do you?” Dean asked, going back to the bed and sitting with Cas. He hadn’t gotten a chance to tell Sam that he and Castiel were engaged. Dean really needed Cas not to be on Sam’s side in this issue. He didn’t want to have to choose between Cas and his mother. 

 

Cas wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t know that Sam was wrong, but he didn’t think that saying that would help. Dean was going to have to come to that decision on his own. Castiel couldn’t imagine not being there to get to know your children that you hadn’t seen in 33 years. Although it must have been hard to leave heaven where you had been with your husband and children. Cas couldn’t imagine being in her shoes. But he knew how stubborn Dean was, and didn’t see the point in saying so. 

 

“Dean, you are right to feel upset about your mother leaving. She is your mother, and she’s been gone for over 30 years. You can be upset about that. Especially since she chose it.” Castiel said, ignoring the question that Dean had asked, because he didn’t want to answer it falsely. He didn’t want to lie to Dean, especially now. 

 

The words sounded good. Dean looked at him, sussing him out. He wasn’t sure if he completely believed that Cas didn’t feel the same way as Sam. He thought that Cas’ refusal to answer the question was telling, but he didn’t want to fight. They were finally together, and it felt too good. Dean rubbed his hand over his face, mulling over what Cas had said. 

 

“I need to get showered.” Dean said, standing up, letting go of the sheet, letting it fall to the floor. He gave Cas a kiss. “I love you.” He said, and went for the bathroom, letting Cas have a full view of his delicious bod as he walked, smirking to himself a bit. He couldn’t help it. He knew he looked good. 

 

Cas watched him go, not sure what was going to happen. Dean was either going to keep it all bottled up inside, or it was going to come out explosively. He wasn’t sure which was going to be better, he wasn’t sure which to hope for. He went to talk to Sam, after he’d gotten dressed, of course. He found Sam in the library, sitting at his computer. 

 

“Hello, Sam.” He said, as he entered the room. 

 

Sam looked up when he heard the angel say his name. “Where’s Dean?” He asked, not sure that he wanted to know. He knew Dean was pissed, but he wasn’t going to take back what he’d said. He wanted Dean to know how good of a person he was, and that Mary leaving had nothing to do with him being a bad person. Sam was looking for a case, wanting to bury himself in work. 

 

“I’m not taking back what I said, Cas. He needed to hear it.”

 

“I’m not asking you to, Sam.” Cas replied, sitting at the table across from Sam. He folded his hands on the table, staring at them before he started talking. “Dean is in the shower. I wanted to talk to you privately and I feel this is the time.” He said, his speech still formal after all these years with the Winchesters. He looked at Sam. “You were right to say what you did, Sam. He needed to hear it. I am inclined to agree with you.”

 

Cas wanted to tell Sam the happy news, but he couldn’t take the joy of it away from his fiance. He knew that it would mean the world to Dean to be able to tell his brother that he had finally sealed the deal with him. Cas kept his steady blue eyed gaze on Sam. “He will calm down, and then you can fix this. He just needs some time. Dean might not ever think that he’s worthy of love, Sam. I wish that he would. But he might be doomed to think that he isn’t worthy. All we can do is show him that he is worthy of love.” He said. It felt wrong to be talking about Dean like this with Sam, and he knew that if Dean knew he would blow his top. If that was still an expression. Cas wasn’t exactly up on all the current slang. 

 

“It kills me that he sees himself that way, Cas. He is worthy of so much good. I can’t believe how much good Dean’s done. He may not always go the best way about it, but he is good.” Sam said, keeping his gaze on the computer screen. He didn’t want to look Cas in the eye. Sam wasn’t sure why. He kept his voice calm and even. “I don’t like that he thinks that way about himself. Bad people don’t give themselves up to save the world from extinction. And Dean has stopped the apocalypse every time.” 

 

He finally looked up at Cas. “If he’ll listen to anyone, it’s you. You have to tell him how good he is .I am sure that he’ll believe you eventually. Also, I am very happy for you two. You deserve to be happy. Both of you. I have always known how you two feel, and I was hoping that you two would work it out.” He ran his hand through his long brown hair. 

 

“You need each other, Cas.” 

 

While they were talking, Dean was in the shower, letting the water run over him. It was cold, because he was trying to wake himself up. Plus, he was thinking about Cas, and it was a habit to take a cold shower when that happened. Dean leaned his head on the shower wall, his heart beating out of his chest. Dean didn’t know what to do. He hated that he had lost his mother again. And it was still something that he couldn’t control. He could feel the pain boiling up in his stomach.

 

He could feel the pain of Mary leaving filling up his chest. Dean didn’t know what he was going to do. He felt like he was four years old again, although this time instead of Mary dying, she had left. Dean could feel the panic attack coming on, and he leaned his head harder against the shower wall, and ended up calling out to Cas. 

 

“Cas! Please……. I need you!” He called out, in the grips of the panic attack, trying to catch his breath. 

 

“I’m sorry, Sam.” Cas said, and hurried to their bathroom, stepping inside the shower, not even bothering to take off his clothes he was in such a hurry to get to Dean. He stepped up and wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him close. He didn’t want to change the seriousness of the situation, but he did notice that Dean was naked. Cas tried to keep his thoughts away from that, Dean was having a panic attack. He whispered in Dean’s ear. “It’s okay, Dean.” He said, stroking Dean’s back, not caring that he was getting soaked head to toe with the cold water. 

 

Dean could barely focus on anything, even with Cas’ arms around him. “Mom, why did you leave, Mom?” He asked, anguish in his voice, trying to keep himself from passing out. He didn’t want to, and he was getting more upset by the moment. He let himself feel it, curling into a ball in the corner of the shower, the water running over him, it turned warm, Cas turned the water to warm to keep Dean from freezing. Dean let the water run over him, the pain felt crippling, and he didn’t want to leave the shower. 

 

“Why wasn’t I enough?” He asked painfully, his heart aching. Dean wished he could go back in time, to try and convince his mother to stay, instead of backing off when she’d tried to hug him. Sam had let her, before she’d walked out. Dean couldn’t breathe, he was feeling the pain so much it was immobilizing him. “Cas, I can’t…. I can’t move.” Dean managed to get out, his voice barely above a whisper. 

 

Cas moved about Dean, washing him. He started with Dean’s hair, Dean wasn’t fighting him at all. Castiel washed Dean’s hair, letting the water run through it carefully, not wanting to get soap in Dean’s eyes. He soaped up Dean’s body, running over him with the loofah. He moved slowly, letting the water warm Dean, and he let Dean feel the pain, he didn’t want him to be upset, but it was the easiest way to get past this. He whispered in Dean’s ear. “It’s okay, you can move when you’re ready, love.” He told him this confident that Dean would at least be able to move enough to get out of the shower. 

 

When he had gotten Dean clean, he turned off the water, and after a couple of tries, Dean stood, and they stood while Castiel toweled him dry, and then got him to the bed, where he sat him down so he could get out things for Dean to wear. Dean had suddenly gone catatonic. Cas didn’t know what to do, but he did his best to make sure Dean was taken care of, this was the only thing that he could think to do. 

 

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas asked, hoping that he could get Dean to reply, Dean hadn’t said anything to him the entire time during the shower. Once Dean was in some fresh pjs, Castiel got out of his wet clothes and put on some dry ones. He wondered what he was going to do if Dean stayed like this. It wouldn’t be good for any of them. Hunting would fall by the wayside, and that wasn’t good when Lucifer was on the loose. 

 

“Dean?” 

 

He heard that Cas was talking to him, but he didn’t seem to be able to reply. He was sitting on the bed, in the pjs that Cas had put on him, and he tried to find the words to answer his fiance. He ran his hand across his chin, and kept staring into space. Dean didn’t know what jhe was going to do without Mary. He just wanted his mom to be with him. Why was this happening? She was back from the dead. Not that Dean didn’t sympathize, it had happened to him before. It could be disorienting. Of course, with Mary it was different, she’d been gone longer than just a few months. Although, Dean had been through hell and torture for forty years, once you’d been through something like that, it changed your perspective. 

 

Dean realized that he couldn’t reply to Cas, and he turned to look at him. He tried to form the words, but he couldn’t. His mouth fell open, but nothing came out. He was shaking, as if he was cold, but Dean knew it wasn’t that at all. He was in shock. Dean didn’t think that that was normal, especially for him, he had already seen so much more than most people did their whole lives. All he could do was stare at Cas helplessly, his mouth working and no sound coming out. 

 

“It’s okay, Dean, you don’t have to talk.” Cas told him, taking Dean in his arms as he joined him on the bed. Cas of course didn’t need to sleep, but he was looking forward to watching Dean sleep. He kept Dean pulled close. “You can talk when you’re ready. You will be okay, Dean. I promise.” Castiel said, taking note of Dean’s current state, he could talk to Sam about it, he had never seen a human like this before and he wanted to be able to handle it. Dean was his entire life. Everything he had done since he had met Dean was all for him. Even if he didn’t always know that was why. 

 

“Come on, I know that it’s morning, but you need some more sleep.” Castiel said, getting him to lay back in the bed. He settled in next to him, wondering what he was going to do about Dean. He wasn’t sure how to handle any of this, even after all of this time on earth he was working on learning human emotions and what went along with that. He watched Dean, who was leaning against Cas, staring into space. Castiel was extremely worried that Dean was going to slip into bad habits, he’d heard from Sam when things got too tough for Dean to handle he took it really hard. 

 

He watched as Dean’s eyes slipped closed, and he held him until he fell asleep, and then slowly moved out from under him, he had to go and talk to Sam. He left Dean in the bed, and went to find Sam, who was in the kitchen. “Sam? May we continue our conversation?” Cas asked him, watching as Sam was making breakfast for himself. He waited until Sam had turned to face him. 

 

“I am worried about Dean. I think that he’s going catatonic. I don’t know how to deal with that, it’s never happened to anyone I know.” 

 

That was the last thing that Sam wanted to hear. “Oh shit…. Cas…..” Sam said, his eyes widening. He didn’t know what was going to work. Dean didn’t have anyone but him and Cas, it’s not like he could call Bobby and ask his opinion. He didn’t know what he was going to do if Dean really was going catatonic. He knew that Dean wouldn’t want to take pills or anything, so that wasn’t going to help anything. Sam thought Dean definitely needed some or therapy, not that he didn’t need it, Sam definitely could use some couch time. 

 

“I don’t know what we’re going to do, Cas….. I wish that Mom hadn’t taken off…. I’d be able to call her and ask for her advice. I can’t exactly do that with this, it’s her fault that he’s like this.” Sam didn’t know what he was going to say to Mary if he had to call her about Dean. There was no telling how far Dean was going to take this, if it was what Cas thought that it was. “He won’t talk at all? Nothing?” He asked, feeling immediately let down when Cas nodded that that was correct. Sam felt his heart drop a thousand feet. He didn’t know what to do. 

 

“I’m at a loss, Cas……. I wish I could do something more.” Sam knew that it had to be bad, he had called for Cas while he was in the shower. Dean never called for help like that. Only when there was no other option did Dean ask for help. They were going to be able to handle this, right? Sam hoped so. He really couldn’t lose Dean. He paced a bit, still keeping an eye on the eggs. 

 

“We can save him, Cas, I know that we can.” 

 

 

_**Author’s note: So…. apparently this isn’t finished. I have no idea how much longer it will be, but I hope that ya’ll are enjoying. I wasn’t so sure what ya’ll would think of Sam’s thoughts on Mary, and I don’t necessarily think what Sam said, but it still felt like the right thing for Sam to do. Anyway, I hope ya’ll liked the new update, and I hope that I will have something new for you soon. XD.** _


	3. Fugue State

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to warn you now, there is a suicide attempt in this chapter. I am going to adjust the warnings myself right after I post this chapter.

Chapter Three: Fugue State 

 

It had been an entire week. Dean hadn’t left his bedroom. He was holed up in it, just staring at old American Chopper reruns. Castiel was at his wits end because he didn’t know how to help him. He was currently standing in the doorway to their bedroom, watching Dean. Dean was watching what Cas thought was a Star Wars movie. He wasn’t sure, he knew some pop culture references, but not all of them. He could tell that Dean wasn’t really paying attention, and he didn’t know what to do. 

 

“Dean, are you okay? Do you want something to eat? You have to be hungry, you haven’t eaten in days.” Cas said, wondering if Dean was actually going to answer him. He wasn’t expecting him to, Dean hadn’t really spoken much either. This was completely unlike him, and Cas wished he could do something more than he was. He managed to get him showered every day, but that was with a lot of help from Sam. Dean let them, but he didn’t actually try to help in any way. Cas wasn’t sure what to do, and he didn’t know how much longer that Dean was going to be like this. 

 

Dean heard that Cas was speaking to him, but he wasn’t sure that he knew what the words were. He was curled in a ball on the bed, watching Empire Strikes Back in his boxer briefs, his hair was a mess, he had a six day beard going on, and there was a blanket bunched around his legs. He didn’t lift his head when he replied with an answer to what he thought that Cas had said. “I’m fine, Cas. I don’t need to eat. Now watch this movie with me, your Star Wars knowledge is severely lacking.” He didn’t know if that was an acceptable answer, but he wasn’t going to answer again. 

 

He still didn’t take his gaze off the computer screen as Cas joined him on the bed. Dean scooted closer, laying his head on Cas’ lap. He may be taking Mary leaving hard, but he was still glad that he had Cas. He closed his eyes as Cas let his fingers move through Dean’s hair. He loved that. It felt so nice. 

 

“That feels nice, Cas.” 

 

Cas wished that he could do something to make Dean feel better. He liked that at least this was making Dean feel something. He was sure that Dean wasn’t feeling much better, but at least he had been able to do this for him. He stroked his fingers through Dean’s hair, scratching his scalp gently. Dean really liked that. He loved how soft Dean’s hair always was. He knew that that was why Dean let him wash his hair, he liked feeling Cas’ hands in his hair. Cas replied, “I’m glad that you think so.” 

 

He tried to follow the movie, it all seemed crazy to him. He didn’t know what Dean saw in these movies. Cas’ other hand was settled on Dean’s hip. His first two fingers were underneath the elastic waistband of Dean’s boxer briefs, stroking his pelvic bone. Cas could feel Dean slipping to sleep, and he felt good that he’d been able to sooth him. Dean didn’t sleep much these days. 

 

About ten minutes later, Sam knocked on the door and poked his head in. “Cas? Did you get him to agree to eat?” He saw that Dean was sleeping, and that was a victory too. Sam had been looking for them a case, he thought that Dean needed to get back in the swing of things. Sam gestured for Cas to join him, and Cas eased out from under Dean carefully, Dean was a light sleeper. Sam waited until they were in the hall with the door closed before he spoke again. 

 

“I’ve been looking for a case for us, and I haven’t been able to find anything. I think Dean needs to get back out there.” Sam said, he felt as helpless as Cas did. “I’ve also been trying to get a hold of Mom, to see if she’d come and talk to him. I don’t know if she’ll get back to me or not. I don’t even know where she is.” He brushed his hand through his hair, wishing that he could change things. He missed his mother, but he hated what this had done to his brother. Dean was taking this incredibly hard. But Sam wasn’t surprised, Dean took a lot and didn’t let it affect him, this was just catching up with him. 

 

Cas looked back at the bedroom door, as if he could see Dean through it, but it was closed. He was quiet for a moment before he replied. “Dean’s taking this much harder than we anticipated. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t do anything but watch tv and movies. But he’s not really watching them, he just stares at them.” Cas said this with a lot of worry in his tone. He turned to look at Sam then. 

 

“What do you think that we should do?” Cas asked, he thought Sam might have some better ideas than he did. He was just relieved that Dean was asleep. Lately he couldn’t sleep at all unless Cas helped him get to sleep. “I don’t know what to do. I wish I did. It’s so….. It makes me worry so much. I’m afraid that the longer he’s like this the harder it will be to go back.” He said, looking at Sam with a sorrowful look. They hadn’t even told Sam that they were engaged yet. 

 

“I wish I did.” Sam said. “I don’t know what to do. Normally with something like this I’d call Bobby, but he’s gone. There’s no one to call. I think maybe some tough love might work…. But I don’t want to scare him away. If he gets too upset he might take off, and then we won’t know what’s going on with him.” Sam wasn’t sure that he completely believed that, because Dean was really dependent on Castiel right now, but it was a concern. Sam was the one who was touchy feely. Dean always shied away from that kind of thing. Even in the last few years, when he’d been growing quite a bit. 

 

“Has he been talking to you about anything? I’ve tried to engage him and he always turns up the volume on whatever he’s watching.” Sam said. He was starting to wonder if Crowley would be able to help Dean. Sam wasn’t sure if he wanted to make a deal with Crowley though, he could be hard to work with. Not to mention, he wouldn’t necessarily help unless he got something out of it. Sam wasn’t sure what he’d want, that was what was holding him back, Sam would do just about anything for Dean. 

 

Cas sighed. Before he could reply to that, he heard Dean waking from a nightmare. He had those a lot this week. He opened the door, and went to Dean, taking him in his arms. He knew that he should have stayed with him. He was still working at the soothing part, but he rubbed Dean’s back as he held him. “It’s okay, Dean.” He said, the only time they got anything from Dean was when he had a nightmare. He was so scared that he forgot to be catatonic.

 

He caught Sam leaving the hall, he knew that Sam didn’t want to intrude on their time together. Cas hated that Dean was having such a hard time right now. It was hard for him to see Dean like this. He had never been so helpless. Cas stroked Dean’s back, rubbing circles. It always helped him get back to sleep. Dean was crying, which while it hurt Cas to hear, it made him feel a bit better. At least Dean was feeling something. Cas was glad that he was letting himself feel something. 

 

“It’s going to be okay, Dean. I promise you.” 

 

Dean buried his head deep into Cas’ neck. He had been having a lot of nightmares lately, and he wasn’t sure why. He kept dreaming that Mary went out on her own and died, and they couldn’t stop it. Dean hated that, it was his worst fear. He didn’t know what to do, and he felt so helpless. Dean was crying, and he wished that he wasn’t. He didn’t know what he was going to do. Dean held onto Cas tightly. His stomach actually growled, and he wondered if he should eat something. 

 

He shook himself, trying to shake off the nightmare. He didn’t know if he could forget it. He didn’t want to talk about it though. “Cas….. I’m actually hungry.” He said, his hands were lifting up Cas’ shirt of their own volition and was stroking the small of his back. He loved to touch Cas, and he did it without even noticing now. He actually wanted some pie, and he hoped that there was some in the bunker. 

 

That made Cas’ ears perk up. He tilted to look at Dean, who pulled back so he could see Cas’ blue eyes. Castiel looked at him. “You’re actually hungry? Let’s go and get you something to eat.” Cas said, he would take what he could get. He helped Dean up, although Dean actually moved with him, as opposed to Cas having to do all the work himself. Cas made him put on a robe, since he was only wearing underwear, and they went to the kitchen. 

 

Sam was there also, and he seemed surprised to see Dean actually up and walking around, but he didn’t comment. Cas was glad that he didn’t, if they actually spoke about how Dean was up and walking, he might retreat to the bedroom. Cas wanted Dean to actually eat something substantial, besides just pie, so he poked his head in the fridge. “Dean, would you rather have eggs or a sandwich?” There wasn’t much else, Cas was going to have to go shopping. 

 

Dean actually thought about that for a second as he reached for the blackberry pie on the counter. “I guess I want a sandwich.” He said, not seeing the startled looks on his family’s faces when he actually answered the question, and answered it correctly. He put the piece of pie on a plate, and settled in at the table, as Cas took out all the things that Dean liked on his sandwiches. Dean looked at the pie, and he actually wanted t4o eat it. He forked up a bite, and took it, the blackberries dancing on his tongue. It felt amazing. Dean hadn’t had pie in a week, and it felt good to be eating it now. 

 

He was quiet as he ate, glad that he was taking the time to actually eat something. He didn’t feel any better, not really, but he was glad that he was doing something that was taking care of himself. Dean knew he had to snap out of this. He didn’t want to be like this forever. He really didn’t. But Dean just felt so hurt that Mary was gone. He wished that he’d done more to stop her. Dean hated that she was out there, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He didn’t like that, and he hated feeling so helpless. 

 

Sam felt like it was like an animal, you didn’t spook it if you didn’t have to. He went back to the laptop, he was looking for a case. He was also looking for tabs of Mary, wondering if he could find her. Sam was trying to get a hold of her to see if she’d come and talk to Dean. Explain to him that this wasn’t his fault. She’d been hard to get a hold of so far. Sam didn’t know what he was going to do if she didn’t reply. Sam wasn’t sure what to talk about, it’s not like they were going to fool Dean with a lot of small talk. 

 

“I think I’ll grab a sandwich too.” Sam said casually, chancing a brief glance at Dean before he got up, going to the fridge. Cas was putting together a monster sandwich for Dean, and Sam was glad that he was taking the opportunity to make sure Dean ate something real. Sam got out the bread, and as he did, Dean spoke. 

 

“Sam, Cas and I are engaged.” 

 

Sam and Cas shared a look. Sam couldn’t have been more surprised, especially since Dean had initiated the conversation. “You’re what?” Sam asked, looking at Cas, who gave him a shrug and a nod, and Sam was struck by how adorable Cas could be, and he got why Dean was so in love with him. “Dean, that’s amazing!” Sam said, hugging Cas and then going to Dean, and they shared a look. Sam wanted to know if it was okay to hug him. They were trying to give him space, and so far he’d only been letting Cas touch him. He’d been ignoring Sam a lot, and Sam wasn’t sure if it was because he was still angry about what Sam had said about Mary, or if it was just because he was in shock. 

 

Dean gave Sam a small nod, and Sam hugged Dean, but not for long. Dean went back to his pie, and Sam went back to his sandwich. Dean was glad that he had told Sam, he was glad that he had gotten that out. He didn’t want to hide it from Sam. Dean didn’t want to get married without Mary, but he didn’t know that he could wait. He took another bite of pie as his fiance set his sandwich and a glass of milk in front of him. 

 

“Cas, milk, really?” Dean asked, knowing that he was shocking both of them with his continuing to talk. 

 

“You need the nutrients, Dean. You haven’t eaten in a week.” Cas told him, which wasn’t completely true, he’d had a few things here and there, but it was things like cookies, chips, cereal, that kind of thing. “You are going to eat that sandwich, and you are going to drink that milk.” Cas told him, it was kind of nice being able to take care of Dean. Cas wished that Dean felt better, but this was nice, he had never thought that he’d get the chance to do this. He never thought that Dean would actually tell Cas how he’d felt about him. 

 

“Can it at least be chocolate? There’s syrup in the fridge.” Dean asked, looking up at Cas. He didn’t know why he was talking so much, but he was going to go with it while he could. Dean was pleased when Cas went to get it for him. Dean knew that chocolate milk was mostly consumed by children, but he still loved it. He took a bite of his sandwich while Cas was getting the syrup, and he turned his gaze to Sam. He was still angry at him, but he didn’t want to do the talk and hug thing. He said, “Sam, I was hoping that you’d be my best man.” He said, it was the obvious choice, but he still felt that he needed to ask Sam to be the best man. 

 

Sam was glad to be the one who would be the best man. He put some turkey on the bread. “I am honored to be the best man, Dean.” He said, wondering if they were going to keep talking pleasantly and ignore that they weren’t really speaking to each other since Sam had said what he’d said about Mary. “Dean….. Are we really going to do this? Not talk about our feelings?” 

 

As soon as Sam said that, everyone froze. Including Sam. And he’d been the one to speak. Dean fell quiet as he picked at his sandwich. Cas could have shot Sam cheerfully in that moment. “Dean, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want.” Cas said, glaring at Sam. They were doing their best to keep Dean calm, and that wasn’t going to help anything. Cas had finally gotten him to eat something that wasn’t going to rot his teeth out. This could undo all of it. Cas gave Sam another look and sat down next to Dean, touching his hand. 

 

“You can just wait and answer it another day.” 

 

Dean wasn’t stupid, he knew that they were just trying to keep him from having another meltdown. He didn’t want to have the talk with Sam, but he didn’t want to leave it either. He stood, he was looking frail, more than he had a week ago. He turned to face Sam. “You want to talk?” He asked, his tone harsh. Dean folded his arms tightly. “You want to talk about how you said that our mother was wrong to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough? She didn’t make me feel anything, Sam. I feel that way because I’m not good enough!” Dean’s voice rose as he spoke.

 

“You didn’t even try to see her side of things! I am sure that it’s gotta be rough, being away from heaven. Maybe she just couldn’t let go of her memories of us there. You just got angry that I was taking it hard. You said you hated her for making me feel like I wasn’t good enough! She’s your mom, Sammy. She’s your mom just as much as she is mine. Why couldn’t you just see her side to things?!” 

 

Sam was glad that they were getting into this, Dean would at least maybe stop being so catatonic. He looked back at Dean. “I am not sorry for what I said, Dean. I know that she’s my mom. However, you saying that to me is rich, because you’ve been angry at her since she left. You just haven’t said so out loud. I know how you think, Dean. You are so angry at her for taking off on us that you don’t know what to do.” He said, and Dean scoffed, just proving Sam right. 

 

“You don’t have to admit it to me. I don’t expect you to, actually. You needed to hear what I said, Dean. I’m not saying that Mom doesn’t have a side, but we could have helped her with her transition to the world after being dead for so long. The last time she was alive, it was 1983 and there was nothing like we have today. Computers were very primitive, phones still had cords, everything was done with paper. She’s not going to know how to handle anything. She’s smart, but she still could have used our help. And don’t you think she’d want to get to know us after being dead for 33 years?” 

 

Cas didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know if he should step in. Cas didn’t know how Sam could have done this, this could totally backfire. He didn’t know what he was going to do if it did. “Don’t argue about this. It’s just going to cause you two be angry at each other for longer than you need to be. Just drop it for now. Dean, we’ve been tip toeing around you for a week. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t ready for, but I don’t think us treating you delicately is doing any good. You need to deal with your feelings, Dean. You don’t have to see it like Sam does, but you need to deal with it.” 

 

That was the last thing Dean wanted to hear. “You don’t know what I’m feeling! Neither of you! Sam, you were a baby, you don’t remember Mom. You met her when she was a ghost, but that’s really not the same thing. I was four, okay? I remember Mom. She used to tell me that there were angels watching over me while I slept. She made me cookies, she was there for me when I had a nightmare…. She was my mom. I remember what it was like to have her, and now she’s back, and she doesn’t want to be with me. Do you know how that feels?” 

 

Before either of them could stop him, he moved to the kitchen knives and grabbed one, finding a vein and immediately slicing the knife across it, blood pouring out. He did the same to another vein in his other arm. Both Sam and Cas rushed to him, and Dean leaned back against the counter, watching his blood flow out of him. It felt like he was up above the scene, watching it. It didn’t feel like it was really happening. 

 

Cas didn’t have enough power with his grace to heal him. “Sam, call 911!” He said, feeling helpless. He had been afraid of something like this. Cas still needed to get his grace back. His borrowed grace wasn’t enough. Tears brushed his eyes, and he felt so useless. “Dean, why?” He asked, his voice breaking. He reached for some towels, holding them to the cuts on Dean’s arms. Dean had cut them that way on purpose, he was actually trying to die.

 

“Dean, don’t you want to be with me?” Cas asked, pain in his voice. 

 

Dean looked into Castiel’s eyes, his own were full of tears. “I just, I want to stop, Cas. I need to not hurt anymore.” He said, as tears dripped off his chin. “And I know that you can’t save me right now.” He said, as the towels turned bloody from the amount of blood that was pouring from him. Cas cupped his jaw. “I’m so tired, Cas, so fucking tired.” 

 

After that, Dean passed out, and Cas yelled for Sam. “Sam, hurry up!” Cas didn’t have enough power to teleport them to the hospital. He knew now that Dean needed more help than they could give him. He held Dean close, wishing he could take away his pain. Wishing that he could save him. Cas didn’t know what to do and he felt more useless than he ever had in his entire life. 

 

In thirty minutes, they were at the hospital. Cas let Sam talk, he wasn’t sure that he would able able to do so without getting emotional. They whisked Dean off to surgery, Cas was already afraid that it would be too late. He paced the waiting room, hating this. He looked to Sam. Sam hadn’t said much since Dean had attempted to kill himself. “What are you thinking, Sam?” Cas asked, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. He didn’t know what to say, he was so angry. Not all of it was at Sam, but some of it was. 

 

“Why did you push him, Sam? Clearly he wasn’t ready to talk. You had to push him! I know that you’re concerned about him too, but we shouldn’t have pushed him to talk. I was afraid of something like this. I was trying to give him the space he needed to deal with this. He was finally eating, Sam. He was letting me take care of him. This isn’t….. Why, Sam? Why?” Cas asked, his voice had fallen to barely above a whisper. 

 

Sam turned to face Cas. He wasn’t sure what to say. He felt like this was his fault. “Look, I know that you’re blaming me for this. Okay? But if Dean was gonna do this, he was gonna do this. It doesn’t matter what we said or didn’t say.” He said, although while he did believe what he was saying, he didn’t think it got him off the hook. “I can’t take it back, Cas. I wish I could. I hate that he did this. I don’t know how he got this bad. I mean, I know that Dean’s been feeling a lot, I just, I didn’t know it was this bad.” 

 

While Cas and Sam were arguing, Dean was in a state between the living and the dead. He was in a white room, not sure how he’d gotten there. While they were giving him a blood transfusion, he was looking around the white room wondering who had brought him here. That’s when John appeared. Dean looked at his father, his eyes filling with tears. He asked, “Dad? What are you doing here?” He didn’t even know where here was, but he was sure that he should be in hell. 

 

John looked at him, and then crossed the room, and hugged Dean. When he’d had his fill, he pulled away. “You’re not supposed to die yet, Dean.” He said. “And where did you get the idea to stop fighting? I taught you to never give up. And you’ve got Cas now, I know you’re engaged. I am so happy for you, Dean. Why are you giving up like this? I died for you, Dean. I made a deal to save you, and this is how you repay me?” He wanted to slap Dean, but he’d never been that kind of father. 

 

Dean looked back at him, not sure where he’d gotten all of his information. “I…. I have been fighting all my life, Dad. I can’t fight anymore. Mom…. she’s back. God’s sister….. She brought her back. And….” Dean didn’t know how his dad was going to take it. He knew that John was going to call him selfish. He knew that it was, what he’d done. “And she left. Dad, she left. She said that she missed you, and me and Sammy the way we were in heaven. Then she left, Dad. And we haven’t been able to get a hold of her since. She could die and we’d never know. How do you think that makes me feel?” 

 

Dean couldn’t look at his father when he said the next bit. “I felt like I was four years old again, Dad, helpless to stop her from leaving.” Tears had brushed his eyes, and he didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stop it. It… I hate feeling helpless, you know that.” Dean didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t find the words to express to John how he felt. He was crying and didn’t even try to stop. 

 

“I’m not good enough, Dad. I wasn’t good enough for her. And Cas, he’s so….. He‘s so good and I’m…. I’m not enough for him. He deserves someone who isn’t broken. I know that now, I’m broken. There’s no amount of pie that can fix it. Cas needs to move on, and I know he won’t do that on his own. He needs to be pushed into it.” Dean’s voice was shaking and he turned to look at his father. “I know you’re going to think it was selfish, but I did this for him. I did this so he’d find someone who deserves him.” His chin was wobbling, and he took a breath. 

 

“I was trying to save him, because I love him more than anything else in this world.”

 

John stepped closer. “That’s a lot of crap, and you know it. You did this for you. You were tired of getting fucked over and you did something about it. It’s a coward’s way out.” John had never minced words with his boys. He told them the truth. “You love him, I know that. I can tell when I can see you looking at him.” 

 

“This was the most selfish thing you could do to them, and you know it. You’re not too old for me to take over my knee, Dean Winchester. You need the sense knocked into you. You are going to live, and you’re going to marry Cas, and you’re going to get out of this life. There’s no need to do it anymore. Get out of it, have kids with your soulmate. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way. You were supposed to grow up normal and have a family. Go to college if you wanted.”

 

He grabbed Dean and made him look him in the eyes. “You can have happiness, Dean. Castiel is that for you. You are made for him, Dean. Do you know right now he’s giving up his Grace so he can be human so you’ll wake up? He’s giving up a piece of him so you will live. He wants to grow old with you. Do you know how monumental that is? Do you know how rare a man like Castiel is? Men like him don’t exist anymore. You love him, and he loves you. You have issues, Dean. You aren’t going to find a lot of people who will be able to handle that. You found Castiel. He loves you issues and all.” 

 

Dean’s voice wobbled as he spoke. “I didn’t…. I didn’t want him to do that.” He couldn’t get anymore words out, he was crying too hard. John hugged him, and Dean cried on his shoulder like he was five years old. “Oh Cas…. why’d you do that?” He managed to get out, and let go of his father, and fell to his knees. He didn’t know what to do. He lifted wet eyes to John. “How do I go back?” He asked, wishing he could take this back. He struggled to breathe, and he wondered if he was losing the chance to go back. He grabbed onto John as he tried to catch his breath. 

 

“Just say you want to go back, Dean!” John said, he grabbed onto him. “Just say you want to go back to Cas!”

 

“I want to go back! Cas, Cas, please!” Dean gasped through his sobs. “Cas, oh God, I love you, please, I want to be with you!” 

 

The next thing he knew, he was waking up in a hospital room. He was breathing on machines, and he could feel someone’s hand in his. “Cas?” He asked, his voice hoarse from misuse. He turned and his eyes settled on the beautiful sight that was his fiance. He squeezed Cas’ hand as tightly as he could. “How long was I out?” He asked, blinking at the harsh hospital lights. 

 

Cas’ eyes were full of tears. “You’ve been in a coma for a month, Dean.” He said, his voice not as strong as he might have wanted. He had given up his Grace, he was human. He didn’t regret it. He wanted to actually grow old with Dean. He didn’t want to see him grow old and die and then have to live without Dean. “Dean, I thought I’d lost you. What were you trying to do? Were you trying to leave me forever? I love you Dean. I don’t want to live without you That’s why I gave up my Grace.” 

 

Dean looked at him. His eyes were full of tears too. “I know you did, my dad told me. Why would you do that, Cas? I love you the way you were. You didn’t have to do that.” He said, squeezing Cas’ hand tighter. “It was what made you you.” He gestured for Cas to join him on the bed. When Cas had joined him, Dean pulled him close, and kissed him. “I’m not going to complain about being able to grow old with you though.” He said, holding Cas as close as he could. 

 

Castiel looked into Dean’s green eyes. “What else did your father tell you?” He asked curiously. 

 

Dean kissed Cas once more. “Let’s not talk about it anymore right now.” He said, he just wanted to be with Cas. He knew he was going to have to do something about what he’d done, but he just didn’t want to deal with it at the moment. He stroked Cas’ back. “What do you say to getting out? Moving somewhere, settling down, having kids?” 

 

Cas looked up at him then. “You want to do that?” He asked, surprised. He didn’t mind giving this all up. “But we have to find Lucifer first. After that, let’s settle down.” Cas agreed, looking into Dean’s green eyes. 

 

“Okay, we’ll get that bastard and give it all up.” Dean agreed, so glad that he was back with Cas. “I will never leave you again, Cas, I promise.” He told him seriously, looking straight into his eyes. “Never.” 

 

“I know, Dean. I know.” Castiel said, laying his head on Dean’s chest. This was perfect. This was how it was supposed to be. Just him and Dean against the world. 

 

 

_**Author’s note: So……. I’m not sure where that came from, and if this fic continues, I swear it won’t be so angsty. I think this is it though. I hope you liked, and I will have more Destiel I am sure! I REALLY need the Destiel heart to heart about Mary in canon.** _


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